How Did We Get Here Pt. 4

Wasn’t I More Than This?

It was spring when I hit rock bottom and I knew I wanted more than where we were. My husband told me he wasn’t in love anymore… he needed more; he deserved a better wife and my kids deserved a better mother.

I felt not only blindsided but completely crushed. Shattered. Everything I had ever wanted, prayed for, dreamed of, worked so incredibly hard to protect was slipping away in the blink of an eye… and I was completely powerless.

From years of neglect to our bond, my husband and I both harbored immense amounts of hurt and disdain, and it was all unfolding. Neither of us were bad people, but both of us were worn out and becoming bitter.

I spent days hysterically sobbing.

I was physically ill.

I was slipping into darkness.

My heart felt dehydrated, like the life of it had been drained out instantaneously.

It was my very best friends who held my shattered heart together and challenged me to pull through for my kids. I reminded myself of the miracles they each were — that they did not ask to be born or given a life filled with grief and anxiety. But I was at such a low point that I could not overcome the intrusive thoughts telling me there was no point, that life was only there to torture us. And even though I knew deep down that I didn’t believe those things, I couldn’t make them stop.

So I sought out help.

I enrolled in my job’s employee assistance program to use their counseling benefit, which afforded me six free sessions. Unfortunately, upon their completion, I discovered the provider I’d been paired with was not in network with my insurance. Despite feeling comfortable and like I was finally making some headway, I was left needing to start over with someone new.

All the while, I had been navigating the situation with my husband and challenging myself to find out how we could repair our relationship together. There came a day where I asked him to leave if he was unsure he wanted to stay together, not because it was I wanted, but because my heart could not handle the whiplash of finding tiny glimpses of hope only to have them yanked away and turned to dust.

In this crucial moment, we both finally committed to pursuing couples counseling. And although tough, we’ve been learning about each other’s needs, wants, fears, and how our minds work overall. And I am so incredibly grateful for that opportunity… because while not complete, I do feel like we are building a bond that is going to mend even stronger.

It Was Supposed to be Different

If I think back, I had so many feelings about what I wanted my life — and my future family’s life — to become. I knew I wanted to be present. I wanted to give my children every opportunity. I wanted to participate in their activities, host birthday parties, go to others’ parties, have the cool house filled with toys and snacks where everyone wanted to hang out. I wanted them to feel surrounded by love day in and day out — never questioning whether their parents were happy because they existed.

Everything I endured, put myself through, and worked toward was to ensure a safe environment for my own family one day. And God blessed me with a partner who still makes my heart flutter. Even though we’ve been walking through the desert this year, we’re walking together. And then He blessed us with three amazing children.

But have I protected them the way I always intended? If I challenge myself, the answer is no.

I had given all of me — and then some — to a career, thinking that financial security would protect us and ensure we always had what we needed. And that’s partly true. But it also meant that I wasn’t present. It meant my kids weren’t having their cups filled. And mine was being drained all the same.

How could I let that happen? I think the answer lies in boundaries — or rather, the lack of them.

I Thought That Meant Love

After a childhood of nonexistent self-esteem, constantly trying to be useful to others to prove my worth, to make someone smile, to hear “I’m proud of you,” to feel loved… I never learned to say no. I had no boundaries with others and definitely none with myself. I valued myself so little that I put myself through a strenuous curriculum that imparted expansive stress on my body and arguably caused years of damage. And as if that wasn’t enough, I still sacrificed any spare moment to help others with their needs.

I was a source of comfort for friends, family, and even strangers — always searching for opportunities to lend myself to someone else’s cause — but I was crumbling with every effort. Drained of energy and nutrition, my body rebelled. Aside from seemingly constant illness and weight gain, I developed debilitating migraines. These ailments would take years to work through — some even decades.

But what if I had said no?

What if I had said no to others when they asked me to drop everything to help them?

What if I had said no to altering my routines to accommodate every need but my own?

What if I had said no to myself — to skipping precious hours of sleep, to surviving on fumes of energy drinks, to rushing through multiple degrees while working and joining every organization?

What if I had said no to the insane degree plan I built with multiple advisors? The one that in my head would guarantee me success.

I’ll never know.

But I do know that today I’m faced with the same choices. And every day. Some days I feel so empty — like I’m clawing my way out of a deep well, trying to get back to a seat in my own life, the one I dreamed and prayed for. And yet, I also feel blissfully full of happiness in the moments I am surrounded by those I love and I get to be present — truly present — not plagued by the world’s endless needs and responsibilities.

The Only Way Is Forward

So where do we go from here?

For me, the only answer is to embark on a journey toward rediscovering who I am — as a mom, a friend, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and as me.

Will you join me?